Semi-joy Semi-depression

Sometimes I feel fine. Joyous. Happy. Content with life. A second later I am filled with doubt and self-loathing. I’ll have a moment of “I’m not doing enough” or “Someone hates me. Everybody hates me” and POOF happiness gone. Joy gone. Scrambling to hide. Scrambling for that contentment that ran away. 

Today I'm trying to tackle both a professional to-do list and a personal one. I've gotten two things done on the professional. I've barely eaten lunch. I need to do laundry, go to the post office, clean my room, but anything that would mean leaving the house sounds unbearable. Taking a shower would mean that I intend to go out, so I haven't done that yet either. 

I distract myself with other things. Social media, plans for the week (ones that equally make me nervous and bring me joy), sending emails, trying to get that professional to-do list done. But ultimately not doing any self-care. No exercise, though that would help my back. No grocery shopping, though that would fill my belly with healthier and cheaper food than takeout. No laundry, though I desperately need clean clothes. 

I guess this first step of blogging is self-care. But it's also a distraction. Instead of doing the things listed above, I'm typing them. This is not proactive. This is a therapy session, maybe. But doing the listed things would make me feel better. Accomplished.

I have every reason to be happy. But sometimes this hits me. Wish it didn't.

Urges are funny things

Urges. Impulses. All of these little "I want to do this so badly, perhaps I will"s rush through my brain constantly. I rarely act on them. I usually regret the non-action.

I think too much. I realize this (I am a thinker, after all). I need to start doing. Grab life by the balls. Not feel badly for it. No apologies. Just honest action.

All of this stems from a text I made to a boy before getting a little buzzed (so I would have enough guts in case he responded). He did not. This was all too premeditated to be an impulse. I packed my shirt for tonight before going to bed last night. I texted before I was drinking. I tried to not make it look like a booty call.

Perhaps I should have just said, "Hey boy. Let's skip the crap. I want attention from you. Give it to me." ...but in a sexier way.

That's the thing. I have no vernacular for sexy. Just cute or blunt. No coyness. No flirtation. Just friend or crazy person.

Wants

I want to go on a road trip across the country.

I want to go on a road trip across the country with a cute boy.

I want to go on a road trip across the country with a cute boy and see "The World's Largest" so-and-so.

I want to go on a road trip across the country with a cute boy, see "The World's Largest" so-and-so, and sleep in the back of the station wagon in which we've been touring.

I want to go on a road trip across the country with a cute boy, see "The World's Largest" so-and-so, sleep in the back of the station wagon in which we've been touring, and fall in love with the world.

New place, same me

So it's been quite a while since my last post. Almost a year. A lot has changed, and then not really.

Changes:
I've moved to New York! I live in Astoria, NY (a cute neighborhood in Queens) in September 2010. My six month anniversary with New York is tomorrow. I'm celebrating by working for 10 hours.
There have been 3 snow storms this winter and quite a lot of flurries. The first one happened one morning when I was at work and my co-workers thought it was hysterical how excited I was about a few tiny pieces of snow falling from the sky. I was beaming all day. Now I can't wait to be able to lay in a grassy field and take in the sunshine. I've discovered how solar-powered I am.
I stage managed a show in Brooklyn and while I enjoyed many parts of the experience, it has kind of tarnished Brooklyn for me. I know the wounds will heal, but it may take some time. Living in Queens also makes Brooklyn just seem inconvenient (most of my friends live in lower Brooklyn which is at least an hour train ride one way).
I'm working in a local coffee shop chain. It's alright. I really love my co-workers, but the customers suck. As Casey would say, "Beef showers for all."
I've seen 3 Broadway shows and many off-off Broadway productions. I have to say, the off-off Broadway shows are often better, but sometimes truly painful to sit through.
I spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas away from home. Thanksgiving was spent at an "orphan Thanksgiving" which was a lot of fun. For Christmas, I went to New Jersey and spent it with my Aunt Sharel and her friends. It was fun, but weird. I did get to go home for New Years and was glad to be able to see my family and friends down there. Wish it could have been a longer visit.

Not-so-changes:
I have a crush on yet another boy. I don't know what to do about it. Everyone says to make a move, but I just don't have the balls to do anything about it. We spend time alone together, but I have no gauge on guys' interests and have no clue of how to flirt. I think I might need to just get drunk and spill it all out on the table for him, but that seems dangerous.
I stay in a lot. It stems from a combination of trying to save money, working early in the morning, and not wanting to go out alone. I have friends here (quite a lot, actually), but our schedules don't always match up. That's one thing that's so hard in this city. Most people don't just have one job and then a social life. Most are working a "paying gig," a "not-paying, but soul-fulfilling gig," and then maybe a social life of bar-hopping. Now, I'm not much of a bar-hopper. Surprise surprise.

That's enough of an update for now. Hopefully this will become more of a regular thing.

Reading the News

In my attempt to be more of an "adult," I have taken to reading the news every morning. I have to say, though, that I've been out of the news game for a while. In college, I would look for the weather reports, poll and election topics during the 2008 campaigns, and things that effected my very myopic view of the world.
That being said, I am overwhelmed with the sad state affairs of the world and my perceived inability to change any of these injustices. I don't want to end up quitting this attempt at a broader cultural and current events enlightenment (as many of my moves to become an "adult" have) so I need to find some sort of outlet to articulate how I feel about these things. Or at least talk about talking about them.
So, perhaps there will be future blogs criticizing or calling for arms to change the world based on what I read in the morning. Today there's just the loose promise of these blogs. I can't change over night, you know.

quick list of goals

I'm trying to make blogging a more regular occurrence for me, as I think it could be cathartic. What a breakthrough, right?
Anyways, I was looking at pictures of the northern lights this morning and thought, "I would like to see those some day," so I've decided to make a sort of bucket list this lazy Sunday morning. Here goes:
-obviously, see the northern lights (this may be hard because it's more of a see-it-if-you-see-it sort of phenomena, but if I learn of a way to predict it, I will search for it)
-go to Portland, OR. not sure why. just have been fascinated with it lately
-see snowfall. as in snowflakes. no more melted and then re-frozen over b.s.
-backpack through Europe. very original, I know, but I've wanted to do it since I was in middle school.
-have a true road trip with friends to a destination not completely known. a true adventure.
-live in NYC
-work in NYC
-live in another country for at least six months
-go scuba diving
-go on a hiking/mountain climbing/camping trip
-see the Bread and Puppet Theatre in Vermont
-see a Broadway show. Maybe this should be higher on the list, but I think it goes without saying, really.


That's all I can think of without getting all sappy and emotional right now. Write back soon (hopefully)!

Feelings as of late

I feel like I'm regressing. Or just losing a piece of myself that I had built in Gainesville. I'm not exactly sure what it was- perhaps self-reliance, who knows- but I miss it.

This week I lost my wallet for the second time in only three months. It may seem like a trite or silly thing to become all self-questioning about, but I never used to do this. Sure, occasionally I would misplace my keys or lose socks in the dryer, but never my wallet. Never something so important. Everything has been worked out (no money was stolen and luckily very honest people found it and are mailing it back to me), but I still feel so ditsy and spazzy.

Not that I ever had it "together" by any means, but I used to be the one of my friends who was more stable and responsible.

But maybe this is a rebellion of who I used to be. An unconscious one, completely, but maybe it is. I have grown tired of being the person who chose the paths that would keep me morally and ethically at ease. Not that I'm stealing or hustling now, but I think I've always tried to do the things that would save the most people's feelings, even at the expense of my own.

I guess I just feel more and more like I'm becoming the more vapid and ditsy version of myself that I tried to abandon as I was "growing up." I'm not sure if it's because I moved back in with my parents, having my father cook most nights, feeling secluded from the majority of my friends, and even farther away from what I want to do with my life. But every option forward from where I am right now just doesn't feel right. I don't know why. Maybe it's cold feet. Maybe it's my lack of a concrete plan in any direction. Maybe I'm too comfortable in this old niche.

Maybe I'm just not as grown-up as I thought I was.