Semi-joy Semi-depression

Sometimes I feel fine. Joyous. Happy. Content with life. A second later I am filled with doubt and self-loathing. I’ll have a moment of “I’m not doing enough” or “Someone hates me. Everybody hates me” and POOF happiness gone. Joy gone. Scrambling to hide. Scrambling for that contentment that ran away. 

Today I'm trying to tackle both a professional to-do list and a personal one. I've gotten two things done on the professional. I've barely eaten lunch. I need to do laundry, go to the post office, clean my room, but anything that would mean leaving the house sounds unbearable. Taking a shower would mean that I intend to go out, so I haven't done that yet either. 

I distract myself with other things. Social media, plans for the week (ones that equally make me nervous and bring me joy), sending emails, trying to get that professional to-do list done. But ultimately not doing any self-care. No exercise, though that would help my back. No grocery shopping, though that would fill my belly with healthier and cheaper food than takeout. No laundry, though I desperately need clean clothes. 

I guess this first step of blogging is self-care. But it's also a distraction. Instead of doing the things listed above, I'm typing them. This is not proactive. This is a therapy session, maybe. But doing the listed things would make me feel better. Accomplished.

I have every reason to be happy. But sometimes this hits me. Wish it didn't.