Feelings as of late

I feel like I'm regressing. Or just losing a piece of myself that I had built in Gainesville. I'm not exactly sure what it was- perhaps self-reliance, who knows- but I miss it.

This week I lost my wallet for the second time in only three months. It may seem like a trite or silly thing to become all self-questioning about, but I never used to do this. Sure, occasionally I would misplace my keys or lose socks in the dryer, but never my wallet. Never something so important. Everything has been worked out (no money was stolen and luckily very honest people found it and are mailing it back to me), but I still feel so ditsy and spazzy.

Not that I ever had it "together" by any means, but I used to be the one of my friends who was more stable and responsible.

But maybe this is a rebellion of who I used to be. An unconscious one, completely, but maybe it is. I have grown tired of being the person who chose the paths that would keep me morally and ethically at ease. Not that I'm stealing or hustling now, but I think I've always tried to do the things that would save the most people's feelings, even at the expense of my own.

I guess I just feel more and more like I'm becoming the more vapid and ditsy version of myself that I tried to abandon as I was "growing up." I'm not sure if it's because I moved back in with my parents, having my father cook most nights, feeling secluded from the majority of my friends, and even farther away from what I want to do with my life. But every option forward from where I am right now just doesn't feel right. I don't know why. Maybe it's cold feet. Maybe it's my lack of a concrete plan in any direction. Maybe I'm too comfortable in this old niche.

Maybe I'm just not as grown-up as I thought I was.